Thursday, April 3, 2014

Not so ideal

As all blog posts go, I'm not really sure where this one is going to end up. It's just been chiming in my mind to write about the last few weeks. They've been fun, encouraging, challenging, and full of surprises (good and bad).

So let's rewind to two weekends ago. I woke up on Wednesday morning with a really swollen ring finger. I broke this finger in 8th grade, it didn't heal correctly so it has always had a bump in it. Unfortunate finger to have crooked, am I right? Well, I haven't had a problem with it since middle school, but this particular moment it felt like I had rebroken it. I gave it a day, and decided Thursday morning (the morning I was heading to Charleston to shoot my first wedding) to head to the doctor.

X-rays showed no new breaks, no new fractures. Literally had no answers. I basically spent half the day at the doctor for the nurses to experiment different ways to get my wedding rings off, and then was told they'd need to be cut off. Needless to say, I didn't want that to happen, so I left them on in hopes that swelling didn't continue and they didn't cut circulation off.

I made the drive to Charleston with no problems. Friday morning I made sure everything was good to go with my camera equipment, and decided to use my computer for a little while to kill some time. It. didn't. work. Our one and only computer (mine died soon after we got married) suddenly stopped working the day I needed it for a wedding.

I'll remind you. This was my first wedding as lead photographer, shooting solo so I could get the swing of it. No back up computer. Panic.

Luckily, my sweet friend Paige let me borrow hers for back up for the night. Praise for Paige! Even though it was a quick fix, I still had to have a long term fix for this situation, but didn't want to even think about the $$$ that would have to be spent.

Fast forward to the end of that week. In between there were 5 regular photo sessions, an additional trip to Charleston, and a night photographing at Charleston Fashion Week for my friend Kaitlyn Machos. Exhaustion set in. But, the best kind of exhaustion.

We were heading to Georgia to celebrate our friends Ed + Caitlin's wedding. Saw so many friends we haven't seen since our wedding, so so good for my heart. Plus, I have a thing for one of the groomsmen, he happens to be my favorite person :) on the way home from the wedding that night, Braden's car started acting up out of no where. We had to pull off at a gas station to figure out what was wrong. His car spent a few days at the shop once we got home.

All of this to say, it was a super long week. One of the longest I've had in a while.

So, why bring this all up?

God was trying to reveal something to me, He was being pretty loud and clear, but I still am not really sure what He was trying to teach me. Isn't it funny how there are huge flashing signs, but still no answers?

After all of this, I'm starting to realize where my dependence lies. It is within myself, and I obviously cannot uphold all of that weight on my own. I'm trying to be a wife, a supportive friend, run a brand new business, look for a house to move within the next month, and all of the other things that come day to day. I can't do it alone. But even then, I still try to do it on my own. Want to know the result of that?

A huge face plant into reality.

Like I said, still not sure what the point in this post is about. Just working through the details, trying to understand them. It has been made clear that my dependence hasn't been on Jesus. And quite frankly, I'll never ever be able to depend on anyone else but Him, so why do I try to put dependence else where? This is a public announcement that I'm really bad at having quiet time and having daily time with the Lord. I'm hoping that this will serve as accountability, and that will become a true desire of my heart that is fulfilled daily.

Anyone else need that accountability?

And just a praise report. It turns out, we think I just had arthritis flare up in my finger. Braden's car is functioning fine. We purchased the new computer and it wasn't as painful as we thought. We are going to look at a house tonight. None of these things would have been possible to get through without dependence on Jesus. Even when I'm blind to it, He is always there and He always has a perfect plan, one that is so much better than our own.

So here's to many stumbles and falling on our face. If that's what it takes to hear God, then I'm all for it!

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